From the beginning of this year i knew this would be a challenging year as i have an album to complete, but i was not prepared for what was in store in late February.
My partner had a seizure as he walked up our hard wooden stairs (no carpet) and fell the full way as he was fitting and crumpled with a loud bang into a ball at the bottom of the stairs. This was 11:30 in the evening on the 24th February.
When he has a seizure you never truly know what to expect, i.e., if he will have a long seizure or a short one, but this one was not only a seizure, this involved broken neck bones and head injuries.
He started to have seizures from the age of 17, but since being with him he only had jerks and restless sleep, until a few years ago when he had a full seizure which lasted over 6 minutes, then had another one a few hours later in the hospitable, where the neurologist strapped to machines and sedated him. We he had his first seizure in front of me i was completely confused, was this a stroke, a heart attack? He was turning blue and stopped breathing at one point. I cried down the phone to the emergency services, not knowing what to do. I never believed that this would happen to him, he had signs for a few years but nothing came of them as he often slept and was fine afterwards.
I did research into epilepsy and knew i needed to prepare, even though we were both confident that the medication he was and is taking would prevent them. How wrong we were. I am glad i researched as this help me to deal with this, even with the added trauma of the fall.
All you can really do is hold the person's head to stop them from rattling it on the floor and talk to them, saying their name over and over again, giving comforting words. He soon came around after a few minutes, which was a relief. I kept reassuring him that the ambulance was on its way and to not move. The blood was flowing from his head wounds and nose, so it was hard to stay calm inside seeing all the damage. However i did not show any panic and kept giving him warm smiles of reassurance.
He is now recovering and is making good progress. He needs to rest, which is not in his vocabulary as he is always on the move and does not know how to shut off from work and ambition. He had to wear a neck brace for a few weeks and now he has just a faint bruise around his eye with uncomfortable pain still from his neck and back, but this is only to be expected. The Doctor try to refrain from expressing panic, which he failed in doing so, as he confirmed that my partner was a hair's breath away from being permanently in a wheelchair. His Doctor told him he must have had an angel watching over him.
This is my life at the moment, watching and caring for my partner. I will not deny not to you or to myself that i am frustrated that i am not able to fully concentrate on my music at the moment. I am determined to remedy this as soon as i possibly can. I think this sounds very selfish, especially with all the recent trauma. I am still being tortured by the sounds of my partner crying out as he fell down the stairs and the bangs he made. Every time i leave him to shower for example i hear these sounds, i am not sure i will ever stop hearing those cries.
It is hard to carry on with my music, although some would say that this is the perfect time to write. I wrote a song called Always for my last album after his first seizure with me, my partner does not like to listen to this as it is about the possibility of losing him and i am asking him to always stay. Being on my guard to make sure that this does not happen again is, i know, holding me back, but i cannot and will not let my guard down again.
I have a song that i feel is the best song i have written. It is sat there as a file on my lap top in Logic pro X, waiting for my attention. It is strong, i know this already and this is a huge step for me to admit that any of my songs are strong or even good enough for others to listen to. My partner pushes me to be the person he knows i could be, as he sees me, even when i don't.
Now Spring is here, i hope this is the silver lining around this cloud, and the warmth of the sun will inspire me to breath again.
Micci Lou xx
"Gritty and engaging synth pop" The Electricity Club - March 2018
"A one woman electronic powerhouse" Electronic Sound Magazine